Friday, 28 March 2014

I WISH people knew how much courage and energy it takes for me to just SPEAK to them sometimes... ... :(

A mid week post, because I NEED this to stop playing on loop in my head.

Like the title of this post, I just WISH people (like this) knew how much courage it takes me to talk to a
complete stranger, how much energy I put into processing the thought that I had , making it into words in my head ( I can't show them the pictures that run through my brain!) and forcing my mouth to work in co-ordination with my voice box.
I even remembered what I wanted to tell her for the last fifteen minutes of questions, waited politely for another ten minutes while she conversed with others completely ignoring me even though she saw me.
(The other people she was talking with giving me strange eyebrows *dirty looks?* SHOULD have clued
me in that this was not someone I actually should be wasting my time with, in hindsight)

I wish I could show some people how hard it is for myself to communicate sometimes.
It does all depend on the people I'm with, those that know and love me and I them, its far easier because you all don't judge me when my brain cuts out and I lose the thought, forgetting in the middle of a story what I wanted to tell you, or that I can ONLY remember the stupid punch line to the joke. You who love me don't care whether I forget words and call an object a strange name, or have to ask your name or birthday AGAIN because I just can't keep them in my head.
Strangers are different players on my chessboard, my brain runs too fast for my mouth to follow, my voice box thinks its a great joke to just flick the power off at random intervals if I feel afraid or vulnerable.
*what a jerk!* And heaven forbid if I chirp, if I move oddly, if I can't keep eye contact, if I just bust into tears in front of a perfect stranger because my body and mind don't play nicely together.

I wish that lady knew, that she attacked me with her non physical self, that I felt her wrath which perhaps was the tail end of a bad day for her. That I FELT her push into me without ever touching me.
I wish she could feel for a moment what that feels like, to me.

I went to the washroom for some breathing room, I didn't outright bawl or anything, but I did have to rely on my too slow text to speech software on my phone to speak with one of the comic artist that I wanted to talk to. **get the words out , but it doesn't have the real time-ness of a conversation**
She gave me her card and contact though , so I could email her, that was thoughtful :)

I guess I should say, that our First Nations are a topic that I care deeply about. I am passionate about the culture , traditions , the community, the living conditions of the people.
(Just like I am passionate about wanting to find change in our Canadian families below the poverty line, we have similar stories today, though we got here by different situations, and I acknowledge they are not the same.)
 I felt strongly enough to want to ask this lady an open and conversational question, that I thought was worded ok, that I thought was alright to ask (someone correct me if I was out of place).
I would hope that she would have been willing to keep the art local because far too much work is done outside of Canada, by keeping it local you are helping someone in Canada to work and potentially become successful! By choosing a local First Nations person to represent the First Nations I feel that it would be a stronger story, a stronger impression, the voice of the community heard , louder , clearer.
That lady could ELEVATE a team of youth (or any age) to do something different and worthwhile, and help them attain a dream or desire to create and have the world see it.

Today I saw in a few friends Facebook feeds that there IS a new F.N superhero!
She seems very cool, earth based powers that change with the seasons and not a stereotype to be seen on the cover that I saw. It was brilliant. The man drawing the comic is a non Native from Toronto, which is ok because he's taking the time to talk to people who ARE , he's really taking to heart and mind their thoughts and opinions and keeping it true to the spirit of the people ( from what the article said).
One of his goals is to later bring his comic skills to North bay where he hopes to teach and  inspire young people to want to want to create their own First Nations inspired stories and art.

So, one negative lady, one positive dude.

Wherever that lady is today, I hope she is having a much better day if thats all it was.
Me, I'm hoping getting my thoughts out here will help me stop replaying the exchange in my head, maybe the negative experience will stop playing on loop in my head tomorrow instead of next week. Or next week instead of next month. Experiences that have negative impact are just too pervasive to me, and love to play on loop. Happy ones do this too, but negativity packs one hell of a one two punch O.O

Like I said, I wish some people knew how much it takes, just to speak to them :(

To see more on Equinox, the new teen superhero:

Monday, 24 March 2014

A Guest Post! How Exciting! :D

Thanks HoneyBee for helping me out with this weeks' post! I love the Disney reference ! <3
I was in Quebec with my family over the weekend so HB drew this weeks' What's the A.S.Deal!?
                                                                                I love it!
Meltdowns aren't fun for anyone, as scary as they can be from the outside , an absolute cacophony of not cool is happening on the inside. Its like everything is coming at you and slamming you at once, standing inside a tornado, or maybe a better thing to tell you about how meltdowns feel is this:
its like I'm in the circus, and I'm putting on a good show, every day, today I'm juggling. Three balls, nice and easy, perfect and I'm jumping through the hoops that I know how to jump through while juggling. Suddenly the audience throws another ball into my carefully planned steps! Its ok, I can handle it, its ok , I can do this one more ball thing, look at me! 4 ball juggling! And then the hoops get set on fire,,,, Well, that's a bit intense! I start to sweat, second guess everything, concentrate concentrate concentrate! Hey!
Who threw that ball! 5 juggling balls? Omg, omgomgomgomg, Six? When did that one appear! Holy Crows what they SEVEN! THERE ARE SEVEN, AND DID YOU RAISE THE HOOPS??!!
And then I drop all the juggling balls, trip through the hoops and the whole tent goes up in flames and laughter. Its just a metaphorical story, but I think you can imagine how it could happen.

If you don't REALLY KNOW the person having the meltdown, DO NOT TOUCH!
It really could end up with both of you getting hurt! We may not recognize you in our state of mind and lash out at who we preceive to be a stranger.

DO ASK IF THE PERSON IS OK, if they don't answer you, please don't assume that its because we don't want to. Often during a meltdown I lose my voice, I have pain in my voicebox that just doesn't let the words come out, I'd REALLY LIKE to tell you what's wrong, and I'm just not able making the stress amplify.

GET OUT OF THE STRESS ZONE, if you're in a public place with someone and they start showing signs of meltdown or distress, get the heck outta there! A meltdown can take anywhere from minutes to months to overcome depending on the circumstances, it really is best to try and avoid rather than deal with the aftermath.

Please DON'T HECKLE , DISVALUE, or BELITTLE us while trying to get us back on track!
Its not our FAULT that we're acting this way, and this just puts shame in our pockets to keep for later.
The more you yell and push, the harder we'll either push BACK or fall away from you.
The harder it is to go into recovery mode :(

A box of tissues wouldn't be a bad idea :)

Anyway, I hope this helps a little bit! Meltdowns are hard on everybody, but please remember its always harder on the person doing the Melting.

Links coming soon!

Sunday, 9 March 2014

A visit from Darth Vader

The website for New Moon Tattoo where you can find Miss Kate and her buzzing band of fellow artists is:
Thank you pretty lady! They healed super well and look beautiful! <3

Some information on Selective mutism:
*even though this one is about kids, it goes into the why and how, AND it still affects some people all their lives, not just as children*
Basically Anxiety cuts off the brain /voice connection. Oral dyspraxia could also be a cause for some.

Saturday, 8 March 2014

Being sick sucks,Pain Tolerance, and a sad story :/

This week felt , SO big, SO long and SO STRESSED OUT!  I was working on one of my biggest paintings
EVER, and I didn't really take that great care of myself.... I used my super focusing powers *I'll do a page about it later * and super forgot about things like, eating, sleeping and taking breathing time.

**Just to make sure , I didn't mind at all focusing so hard! I just didn't realize that I had kicked out the legs on my chair,, so to speak.  The painting was amazing , and so well received and well loved I know its going to be very enjoyed , I just wanted to put that very positive point in there.**

I had wanted this painting to be SO SPECIAL that I put everything of me in it, and then, I lost my hat.

No metaphor, after having delivered the painting and driving home with Honeybee, I discovered that my FAVORITE black slouchy hat with the ENORMOUS pompom was nowhere to be found. :(
None the less to say, its embarrassing , there were tears, and rather than having me mope around for a week
because I didn't go back to look, HB was ok with driving all the way back and looking on the road where we parked to see if it fell out of the car. Unfortunately not.
So he offered to knock at the house and see if I had left it there, I didn't know what to do with myself and followed him up to the door, unfortunately again, I made a silly of myself and hit meltdown mode in someone else's home D:

I know the person didn't mind it too much, but I couldn't get out what was wrong, and I just got super upset, and even more upset, because I couldn't TELL anyone what was wrong.
With meltdown, my voice decided to turn off.
I was just not functioning very well at all. :<
 I'm so sorry if I upset anyone, and thank you for the hugs, it did really mean a lot that you were so accepting of me. My oddness. I'm upset with myself that I couldn't keep it in until I got home, but thank you for telling me it was ok.
I know it was just a silly hat, but it was my silly hat.  :'(

Anyways, thanks , everyone, for just listening.

Original pain tolerance chart:
*about halfway down the page, if anyone knows the original original source feel free to let me know!*