Friday, 28 March 2014

I WISH people knew how much courage and energy it takes for me to just SPEAK to them sometimes... ... :(

A mid week post, because I NEED this to stop playing on loop in my head.

Like the title of this post, I just WISH people (like this) knew how much courage it takes me to talk to a
complete stranger, how much energy I put into processing the thought that I had , making it into words in my head ( I can't show them the pictures that run through my brain!) and forcing my mouth to work in co-ordination with my voice box.
I even remembered what I wanted to tell her for the last fifteen minutes of questions, waited politely for another ten minutes while she conversed with others completely ignoring me even though she saw me.
(The other people she was talking with giving me strange eyebrows *dirty looks?* SHOULD have clued
me in that this was not someone I actually should be wasting my time with, in hindsight)

I wish I could show some people how hard it is for myself to communicate sometimes.
It does all depend on the people I'm with, those that know and love me and I them, its far easier because you all don't judge me when my brain cuts out and I lose the thought, forgetting in the middle of a story what I wanted to tell you, or that I can ONLY remember the stupid punch line to the joke. You who love me don't care whether I forget words and call an object a strange name, or have to ask your name or birthday AGAIN because I just can't keep them in my head.
Strangers are different players on my chessboard, my brain runs too fast for my mouth to follow, my voice box thinks its a great joke to just flick the power off at random intervals if I feel afraid or vulnerable.
*what a jerk!* And heaven forbid if I chirp, if I move oddly, if I can't keep eye contact, if I just bust into tears in front of a perfect stranger because my body and mind don't play nicely together.

I wish that lady knew, that she attacked me with her non physical self, that I felt her wrath which perhaps was the tail end of a bad day for her. That I FELT her push into me without ever touching me.
I wish she could feel for a moment what that feels like, to me.

I went to the washroom for some breathing room, I didn't outright bawl or anything, but I did have to rely on my too slow text to speech software on my phone to speak with one of the comic artist that I wanted to talk to. **get the words out , but it doesn't have the real time-ness of a conversation**
She gave me her card and contact though , so I could email her, that was thoughtful :)

I guess I should say, that our First Nations are a topic that I care deeply about. I am passionate about the culture , traditions , the community, the living conditions of the people.
(Just like I am passionate about wanting to find change in our Canadian families below the poverty line, we have similar stories today, though we got here by different situations, and I acknowledge they are not the same.)
 I felt strongly enough to want to ask this lady an open and conversational question, that I thought was worded ok, that I thought was alright to ask (someone correct me if I was out of place).
I would hope that she would have been willing to keep the art local because far too much work is done outside of Canada, by keeping it local you are helping someone in Canada to work and potentially become successful! By choosing a local First Nations person to represent the First Nations I feel that it would be a stronger story, a stronger impression, the voice of the community heard , louder , clearer.
That lady could ELEVATE a team of youth (or any age) to do something different and worthwhile, and help them attain a dream or desire to create and have the world see it.

Today I saw in a few friends Facebook feeds that there IS a new F.N superhero!
She seems very cool, earth based powers that change with the seasons and not a stereotype to be seen on the cover that I saw. It was brilliant. The man drawing the comic is a non Native from Toronto, which is ok because he's taking the time to talk to people who ARE , he's really taking to heart and mind their thoughts and opinions and keeping it true to the spirit of the people ( from what the article said).
One of his goals is to later bring his comic skills to North bay where he hopes to teach and  inspire young people to want to want to create their own First Nations inspired stories and art.

So, one negative lady, one positive dude.

Wherever that lady is today, I hope she is having a much better day if thats all it was.
Me, I'm hoping getting my thoughts out here will help me stop replaying the exchange in my head, maybe the negative experience will stop playing on loop in my head tomorrow instead of next week. Or next week instead of next month. Experiences that have negative impact are just too pervasive to me, and love to play on loop. Happy ones do this too, but negativity packs one hell of a one two punch O.O

Like I said, I wish some people knew how much it takes, just to speak to them :(

To see more on Equinox, the new teen superhero:

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