Friday, 18 April 2014

Autism Acceptance Month and #HAWMC Day 18!

5 Challenges & 5 Small Victories. Make a list of the 5 most difficult parts of
your health focus. Make another top 5 list for the little, good things (small
victories) that keep you going.

The five most difficult challenges I face with Autism are:

1) Looking just fine, and passing: I don't look like anything is going on under the surface, which is great and horrible at the same time. I've heard it often said by parents of kids with Aspergers or milder showing symptoms of Autism that it would be ''easier'' and at the same time more difficult if their children were more severe. It took me some time to understand this, but looking back at my life , I guess I get where they were going with that . The more outward your symptoms, the better help you are able to receive because you are ''SEEN". There is outward proof positive that you are the way you are , no walls to break down first, no waiting for the inevitable meltdown after a social occasion. Some days I realize why parents say it would be easier if their children with A.S.D had a more physical difficulty. I pass for normal much of the time, but like I repeat, there are repercussions to passing. 

2) Much to do with the above , People judge me just by looking: What they don't see is that I really AM trying. When someone asks what I do, and I reply I'm between jobs right now, you can see that almighty flash of judgement in their eyes. Not every person, but many. They have no idea how hard it is for me to A: find and B: keep  a job. So I'm in a perma-state of inbetween-ness. Its unbearable that people think I'm just super lazy, NO man, I battle my anxiety to leave the house, I have fights with myself to open that door and just step out. I bargain with myself to get the sheaf of resume's out again, its just another 50 resume's, you can do it, then you don't have to go ANYWHERE tomorrow. 
And before I even hit the door to fight with it to get out , I've already done battle with the closet and half the clothing in it trying to find something that is comfortable enough that it won't add to the day's spoon tax, doesn't set off my sensory disorder , and still looks like I could fit in to at least a semi professional environment. There are whole pages of judgement I could write about , but I'll leave it here because I don't want to dig further into negative feelings than I have to :( 
 At least I ''look just fine''.

3)Clothing: being a curvy girl and having sensory processing disorder, just isn't easy. I love comfy clothing that isn't itchy , scratchy , bitey, red, too tight, too hot, too cool, etc etc etc, AND the worst part is I love fashion. *eye rolls* Don't even get me started on the available fashions for big girls, AND THEN the narrow amount of applicable fashion that I can wear. Bleh. There are a few companies who I would LOVE, LOVE LOVE ,  ,, and just LOVE some more to be able to wear EVERYTHING they make, *horny toad* * OOM* and a couple bamboo and eco friendly companies make KILLER clothing! and so soft I can wear it absolutely any day of the week , spoons , sensory issues or none. BUT and the big BUTT is the problem here X) **joke** I have a great ass, and their clothing just doesn't come in anything but hippie size small *and smaller*. I lucked out ONCE at Terra 20 and found the one exception to the size issue, just once, and it is one of my favorite peices of clothing I own :)
  *** and now I'm hooked and wish there were more!***

4)Good days are good, but boy can bad days be bad. Anyone who has ever experienced the extremes of Anxiety, or Depression, or Autistic Meltdown mode , either from the inside *self experience* or the outside *a friend or a parent of someone hitting Meltdown mode* knows just how taxing those days can be. 
I get them, not as often anymore, especially since we moved, but they can take out my spoons for the rest of a week. And even worse they take spoons from people close to me :(
The last thing I want to do is take spoons from HB, he needs all his too!

5) The expectations of being an adult. I think everyone gets hit with this, at some point. I just feel like it hits me every couple of days at the moment like Ramona Flower's big freekin' hammer!
I'm supposed to be able to do all these things that make people adults, cooking , cleaning , taking care of things, paying bills, doing the job thing, and going out to play cards and party with my also adult friends. 
The family thing, the kids thing, the being successful things. Its a lot! Its a lot of expectation to put on ANYONE! For me , it just seems to overwhelm me, takes over like a huge wave that sweeps you off your feet , tumbles you over and over and when you feel like you're just going to give up and suck that salt water into your lungs it dashes you up onto a jaggeddy rocky beach, and you lost your sandals in the surf. BLEH.
There are so many things I feel like I should have accomplished by now, but I don't even feel like I'm the age I really am chronologically. Does that make sense?
Like, I've got ALMOST 30 years experience here, but that CAN'T be how old I am, dammit! I still just want to go make sand castles at the beach and swing, spend summer outside and stuff! Geeze O.O

Five victories, that keep me going:

1) I have a man that absolutely loves me absolutely. HoneyBee is my tether line to the world, the strong arms around me when I feel the least worthy, the hands that help pick me up and dust me off *sometimes litterally* on the bad days, my heart and my soul outside my own body. <3
I appreciate having someone in my life that sticks even through the tough stuff, and doesn't mind peanut butter and egg toast. *which, is really good by the way* ( and you are NOT a saint X)
*julie and julia reference*

2) I am an awesome artist, this sort of makes up for the lack of working, because I can whip out my sketchbook and say, THIS , is what I DO. If I worked 40 hours a week *I have before, it sucked* I wouldn't be able to create, these wonderful things. I wouldn't be able to reach out to people with my comic, I wouldn't be making others smile. I wouldn't be making ME smile. I love that MY work is ENJOYED!
That makes the not working thing, a little easier to be ok with. I have great things just waiting to happen to me, I just know it :)

3)I live in a great place. Once huge accomplishment that HB and I both have done this year is moving to a good and safe environment. We were in a SUPER bad spot with drugs and such bad sounds coming from underneath and beside us it was awful! Not to mention the construction on Churchill, which is continuing on through the entirety of this summer as well. We took the situation and kicked its ass! We moved .
We are close to friends, my Gramma AND the beach. There are places to walk and be still, and its safe.
Its our first place on our own , that we both feel safe, more grown up, more capable and able to care for our surroundings and one another. I'm so proud of us for doing this well here in our new home.

4) I'm learning to say NO. For anyone who knows how hard that is, I'm going to leave this one short and sweet. I know how to say NO, and I will, and do say NO if I need to. 

5) I am ok. I am enough.
The expectations I place on myself represented by the demands placed on my shoulders by society, 
ARE BUNK! They are a pile of llama poop. I defy , and tell myself, I am enough!
We're keeping house, we're cooking, we're job finding, we're paying bills, we have JUST enough money, we're planning with family and family planning, we're doing all the adult-y stuff, HB and Me.
WE'RE OK, that , is the most important victory to me. Beyond that, there is TIME!
I have time to do things that I want to do and I have to look back and celebrate how far I've come!
There are SO many things that people told me I could and never would accomplish, but I have!
The list is ever growing, and you know what , I have 30 years experience on this green and blue rock floating through the cosmos, and I'm going to continue to live well, love deeply, build more sandcastles, swing on more swings, and spend as many summers outside as I can :)

Love and a Spoon
<3 (___)=========

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