Saturday, 19 April 2014

Autism Acceptance Month and #HAWMC day 19!

Lesson Learned. What’s a lesson you learned the hard way? Tell us a time
when you made a mistake and promised never to make that same mistake
again. Write about it for 15 today

My lesson learned, is loving myself.

Ok, now to write for fifteen minutes on this, there are so many many things I could change if
I had a time machine and the self acceptance and love that I have now. I'd go back and tell me
exactly how I become myself, because, I never HAD a sense of self. I was always a mix of
whomever I was nearest at the moment. Which, lead to some pretty bad times for me. I got mixed
in with a dark and overwhelming crowd, and I had NO idea what it was doing to me because I
had no idea why I was so broken.
 I didn't love myself because I couldn't , I had no idea how!

 I was always trying to be someone I wasn't ,JUST to fit in, trying too hard to have other people
like me,  by defining myself by their parameters. The problem with trying to be something, ANYTHING I wasn't, because I felt like I had to ,was taking me down the fast path to the deep dark rabbit hole of depression, I felt, inhuman, in the worst of ways.

In the more recent past, I've let go of , and cut out A LOT of negativity. People with negative thoughts and habits really influence me quite badly because it seems to seep from them like a terrible fog. I choose not to be entrenched by others' negativity. I choose to surround myself with as much happiness and love as I can :)

I've grown a lot as a human bean, because I understand that love comes first from within.
Like Ru Paul says, " If you can't love yourself , how in the HELL you' gonna love someone else!?"
I am so proud of just how far I have come, and each person I have in my life today has given me something of themselves that helped me to grow.
 One friend taught me to ''OWN MY SHIT" its such a valuable peice of advice because it took her time and experience to find those words , and its a mantra  in our house gets repeated often.
 "I am enough, I am worthy, I am AWESOME! DEAL WITH IT!" **That one is my own doing :)**
I've come so far from the shy, closed up person I used to be, I've made friends, I've found love, I've done things I didn't think I was able to do and I'm forging a path through my own wilderness. Sure, there are still days where monsters crawl out of the thorn bushes to heckle me and try to push me back to the rabbit hole, but I have better means of defending myself now, I use the courage, strength, and love that people in my life have given me and I fight back against my old demons!
 *they're looking pretty worse for the wear these days.*

There are so many reasons that I had no self love , but I'm clearing up the mental attic slowly and finding
more and more all the time!
I just had to figure a few things out first :)

Love and a Spoon
<3 (___)========

1 comment:

  1. The very act of recognizing that you need to love yourself first, is heroic. :) So often, people attempt to blame the Cosmos (the asshat one) for their life snafu's... sometimes... just loving ourselves is the initial match-strike in our self-discovery journey. Light it up, woman...because you shine like a star to so many people xoxo